oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
