my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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