He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
