well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
