Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
