do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
