My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize