I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
