just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize