i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
