in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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