You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
