i think my tv is drunk
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
