my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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