oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
thus making me awesome and them whores
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
