If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Ladies don't puke and tell
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
