I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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