Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
4 words: hood of his car
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize