you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
