Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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