Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
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