the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
