The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
