You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
