Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
