I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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