The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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