it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
