Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
