I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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