my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize