I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
