I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
