I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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