When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
