I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize