Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
