i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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