haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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