i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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