Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
