I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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