is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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