I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
