i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
