so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
why is half of my head shaved?
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