the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
