Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
