she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
