I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
