Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dignity is for republicans.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
