WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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