Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize