I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize