oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
