I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
