it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
