Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
