I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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