fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
