Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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