I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
