dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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