Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
