bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
